What a Difference a Week Makes

What a difference a week makes.

Last Sunday, it was 12-degrees and snowing.  This week, it’s 40-degrees, and the forecast says the mercury will stay above 40 all week.  Not to jinx anything, but it looks like winter has finally broken in the Northeast.

Unfortunately, my wife is still very sick though.  That hasn’t changed.  In fact at her doctor’s appointment Thursday, the doctor was frustrated that she had lost a lot of the progress she had made in the past year.  He was also concerned that her immune system has not improved.

I was running some errands around town yesterday.  Just a few days removed from sub-zero temperatures, I had no hat or gloves, only a light sweatshirt, and had the windows rolled down in the car.  I wasn’t the only one like that either.

It got me to thinking, it’s not like it’s 80-degrees out.  It’s still barely above freezing.

When it drops to 40 in early November, people bundle themselves up in sweaters, turn on the boiler, and break out the crock pot and have some stew.  In the exact same situation in March, people lose their minds and start walking around in t-shirts.

It’s a lot like being a caregiver. 

The situation really isn’t any different.  It’s cold and grey and miserable.

But the attitude you approach the situation with is different.

Now don’t get me wrong, autumn is my favorite season of the year.  There is no place on Earth I’d rather be than Upstate New York in October and November.  That said, November has a totally different vibe associated with it than March, although the weather is the same, possibly even a little worse in March.

Yet we approach March with a more hopeful and joyful attitude.

When you are a caregiver, you are going to have November days and you are going to have March days.  The funny thing is that when you objectively look at the situation, November and March aren’t all that different. 

You have a sick loved one.  That sucks.  That’s the truth and it doesn’t change.  Some days that truth is crushing.  We focus on the suffering of the one we care for, the responsibility it places on us, and the sense of loss and emptiness we experience.  The “what is and what should never be” aspect, so to speak.  My wife wasn’t supposed to get sick.  We were supposed to advance in our careers, have a family together, and have a good life.  That didn’t happen.

On other days, however, that truth can be liberating.  My wife’s illness has brought us closer together.  We have a much deeper relationship than we would have had this not happened.  I personally have a much more profound view of, and outlook upon, life.  You realize what’s really important.  Your perspective becomes much healthier.  Your struggle makes you more resilient.  To steal a trite phrase, gold is tested in the fire.  You get a chance to prove your mettle.  And also, and this might sound a little weird, it’s a distinct privilege to be a caregiver.  Obviously, I wish my wife weren’t ill and I weren’t a caregiver.  But to be entrusted with her care is an honor.  To care for another human being is one of the most fulfilling things there is in this life.  Most people will experience this in the natural course of life, be it with a newborn baby or an elderly parent (more on this point in later posts).  The tough thing to come to grips with is that being a caregiver for a young, chronically ill person does not seem to follow the script for life that most of us had.  On the days when you are able to come to terms with this, however, the fulfillment truly is great.

Now I’m not trying to be overly simplistic here.  I am definitely not saying that if you just have a positive attitude, all your problems go away.  They don’t.  The problems are still there.  It’s not any less cold and grey.

What I am saying is that the right attitude will better enable you to deal with those problems.  You’ll roll down the window of the car, so to speak.

I’m also not saying that you need to have a March day every day.  We’re all human, and there are going to be a lot of November days mixed in there too.  It’s a natural response, and no caregiver should ever, ever feel guilty about not being joyful and chipper every single day.  We need time to process things too.

All I am saying is here’s to more March days ahead for all of us.